i wish messenger saved drafts, i like drafts, i go back to my gmail drafts, time and again, read through the emails i never sent, emails i should have replied to but i never did because i was lazy, no, because i was hit by crippling self-doubt and i feared judgment because deep inside i knew i wasn’t enough, i knew i could be better, i knew i was lacking intellectually and all i aspired to do was fix it and so, i didn’t send those emails but i like going back at those drafts and smiling at 2017 2018 2019 aakriti and knowing that she still feels the intellectual want in 2021; this time i tell her that she can fix this and she will and as she comes across people virtually and she reads what they have written, she sees what they have captured, she aspires to have that confidence in expressing herself, she aspires to not be intimidated and she wonders if she has ADHD or perhaps that’s because of all the placebo effect of having seen so many posts in female-ror but then the 20 tabs that are constantly open in her chrome makes her think otherwise, and now she wonders how she switched from writing in the first person to the third person
and i scroll through my emails only to break my chain of thoughts and now i need to start a new prosy-paragraph because fuck grammar, i never understood prepositions, well apart from that, it was okay i guess, but i liked nepali grammar tho, i miss writing in nepali, i’ve lost my vocab and thats sad but just received an email from Lauren and i have a meeting with her in 12 minutes and i don’t know what my next submission for my creative writing class should be, Alexis and Joey have suggested that i try fiction because both my previous submissions were more like memoirs and short stories revolving around my personal observations and experiences in life because why not, and i question myself, am i being a narcissist and i realize that i talk a lot about myself when i am stressed because i am unable to fix what’s wrong because i have to fix things and when i can’t i’m stressed and i’m stressed now too, i sleep just so time passes by and its the next day and the next and we’re already past March, hurray
yes, sorry i wanted to write this because i want messenger to save drafts because i need a push to message people (what happened to 2019 aakriti who basically messaged people with no hesitation, complementing them for their writing and words and she still is in touch with those e-friends she made, what happened to her), and i have come across so many people even in 2021, after my 6-month long social media cleanse and guess what, i want to text and say thank you to so many people but i don’t, i don’t because, well, i guess, i don’t know or maybe i do and i don’t want to admit it to myself, ugh, such a fucking coward, but meh who cares anyways but guess what, a random guy emailed me and we’ve been talking, he’s a 33-year old total stranger to me, and i know i know the risks of talking to strangers but honey, i’ve traveled continents, couch surfed at random people’s homes, left my purse w credit card on a random strangers car, what the fuck do i care about, oh well, but he’s giving me life advice that i shall keep in consideration but you see, that’s how random my life is and before i continue talking to him, i shall also google how to block someone on gmail just to be safe you know
i’ll leave you as confused as i am, right here, 2029 aakriti, hope you enjoy this
